She says: “I am always at work. I don’t remember my vacation at all. This business has no end in sight.
N. again left me for L. I understand that she suits him better, she is an athlete, she is freer. They have a lot of common interests, and in general she is prettier.
The last time he hugged me, I breathed in his scent, and felt that he is a very dear person to me, but for seven years now like this, I understand that we will never have anything. I won’t have time to give birth. I’m tired of waiting. ”
She says: “Mom always compared me. She said that I was a bad daughter. A good daughter, this is, firstly, an excellent student, secondly, an athlete, and thirdly, with good posture. And there was always Olya from the third house. Basketball player, excellent student, with good posture. With big eyes on a horse’s face. I hated her. I tried to walk like her and goggle and goggle lips like her, but I was not very good at it. I wanted everything in Olya’s life to be different, really bad. Mom will see this and finally love me, not her. ”
She says: “My grandmother did not love my mother. Grandma was abandoned by grandfather, it was hard for her. She worked hard, drank and beat my mom. Told her: “You cry more, pee less.” And also: “There is no need to walk, slut. Go, scratch the corner. ” I understand why my mom is like that. Why is she so. After all, her grandmother did not love her.
She says: “My grandmother grew up during the war. There was nothing, everything was on the cards. Potato peel pancakes. Her dad would pull the cord out of the socket and beat her so that the plug would hit her on the head. Mom (my great-grandmother) did not protect her at all. Then he went to some woman from his factory, I don’t know anything further. It is clear that my grandmother did not know how to love children … ”.
She says: “If I have a daughter, how will I love her? I don’t know how. I need to learn to love children in advance, before she is born. ”
She looks out the window, then at me – through the eyes of Scarlett Johansson. (She is generally very similar to her). Some thought suddenly changes her gaze, she slowly, as if in rapid speed, turns to me and says: “Probably, you need to forgive your mother? And then everything will be different? ”
They always start at the wrong end. They always want to do something else with themselves. First – to walk like Olya so that my mother will notice and fall in love. Then to be like L., in order to like N. more. Then learn in advance to love a nonexistent daughter. Then – forgive mom. But the same thing is always missing: who will love you yourself? And how to see you if you are invisible to yourself?
Author: Polina Gaverdovskaya